Haaaaaaa

"Hand Solo Vibrating Male Masturbator - with the Hand Solo, you are guaranteed to be the one who shoots first!"

Russian Dick Census

Dear [business name],

Hi, i like your shop with excellent items. I want to be a distributor your items in my country Russia. Nowadays many people in my country have small size of penis and many of them wants bigger penis. I think that your product can be popular in my country!

- [customer]

Average Milking Time

Dear [business name],

I have Nigerian dwarf goats and I'm a little concerned by sizing. Do you find these effective with most goats? What percentage of guys would you say these don't work with? What would you say this turns the average milking time to?

- [customer]

Luxury Vibe

Yva is an elegant pleasure object d'art, handcrafted in 24K gold-plate, with a deep and resonant vibe. The metal, luxurious and evocative against the naked skin, offers exciting prospects for users inclined to the sensual utilization of hot or cold. A perfect accessory for that dressy but boring party, YVA is small, rechargeable and exceedingly quiet. Comes included with wooden gift box, universal charger, manual, satin pouch and a 1-year warranty.

 This thing retails for $1,520.25!

That Awkward Moment When

... your boss emails you with the subject line: "... what is a 50 shades party?" and nothing else.

Expect the Unexpected

Never try to research a customer question regarding "cum stopper through hole" unless you are prepared for the consequences. What is seen cannot be unseen.

We Don't Sell This

But someone else does. You put your penis in the clear one. You fuck the foot from the ankle. The black one goes in you. If you know what I mean.

Just Terrifying

Just when you think you've become desensitized to everything you might see that day, someone purchases a dropship item. That means we don't keep the item in stock because they are large, expensive, unwieldy, or all three. So when someone purchases it, we dropship it to them directly through our wholesaler.

What could be too large, expensive, and unwieldy for a sex toy warehouse, you ask! Lots of things! Like The Huge Equine Vaginal Speculum

That is a BASEBALL for a sense of proportion and size. It is 17 inches long, spreads to 4 inches, and is 2.6 pounds. It was designed for use on large animals for diagnostic examinations and or other procedures.

WHO IS BUYING THIS? No, never mind. I REALLY don't want to know.

Tranny Toys

From the makers of the Fuck My Cock! masturbator comes the Ride My Big Cock! masturbator. Because what other parts of a woman would you want if you could have her mouth, boobs, and penis.

...Wait, what?

Customer Service

I opened and tested a vibrator for noise level today. Inquiring minds want to know.

Cousin of the Rabbit

This makes me laugh uncontrollably every time I see it.

Seems Legit

Dear [business name],

Being a Gynecologist and OBGYN, I see and touch roughly 40 vaginas on any given day, and I am always looking for ways to tend to their health and well being. My question is:

What ailments,conditions, or diseases of the vagina would this item be useful in treating ? Could you please list each one and also a short specific synopsis of the ailment, condition, or disease, so that I may be enlightened and consider purchasing your items for my vaginas ?

- [customer]

Monster Tatas

Everything is funnier with googly eyes.

The Customer Isn't Always Right

Dear [business name],

hi
i want a full refund because the item I got was a 2XL and the tags say XXL and an XXL is smaller than an 2XL. I also want you to pay for shipping since you all was in the wrong. you all lied to me so i should not have to pay for your mistakes.

- [customer]

Sweet Tooth

Aly: This chocolate clone-a-willy kit is hilarious!

M: Wait... so you have to put your dick in a vat of warm chocolate?

Aly: I know! Awesome, right?

An Open Letter

Attention: People of the Internet

If you order a product and want it to arrive to you within a couple of days, DO NOT choose the free (or cheap), base shipping option and then request that it get to you in 2 days. You WILL need to buy an expedited version of shipping. Saying "please" is not the same thing.

Sincerely, Aly


P.S. - I hate you all.

Nightmare Fuel

The Fuck My Face mega masturbator, huh? Real hair, blinking eyes, and extra deep throat. Sounds creepy. It comes with lipstick you can apply? ...Okay.

Oh god, is he curling her hair? It's not a beauty school prop!

OH MY GOOD GOD WHY.

International Relations

We have quite a few customers buying from us internationally every day, and sometimes the language barrier can seem pretty steep.


Dear [business name],

i purchese my item that i purchase from u guys

- [customer]
---

Dear [customer],

Hello,
Confirmed.

Regards,
- [business name]
---

Dear [business name],

yes hello

- [customer]

The Giggles

I've definitely become somewhat desensitized to the products we handle. Looking at dongs and bondage gear all day, you get used to it. However there will always be things that shock me, disgust me, or in this case, make me laugh uncontrollably.

This little beauty is called the Fuck My Cock! masturbator. And I can't stop laughing when I look at it. It looks like a doll with a dick instead of a body. Plus your dick goes inside it's dick while you're using it. Dickception!

Presented Without Comment

Dear [business name],

Will these fit my sissy male slave who has a 33 inch waist?

- [customer]

Of Calipers and Dicks

In addition to adult novelty items, we also sell bondage equipment, corsets, leggings and tights, bathing suits, and a whole mess of other things including jewelry. Most of our jewelry is ear gauges or plugs, for which we keep a few sets of calipers to measure sizes.

Some of the plugs are really quite large, up to 25mm which is basically 1 inch. And of course this led us to ask, "What gauge is a dick?"

M has the pleasure of being the only male in the warehouse when the bosses aren't here. So we yelled, "M, GO CALIPER YOUR DICK. But then tell us which calipers you used so we can never touch them again."

After disappearing for several minutes, he strolls casually back from the direction of the bathroom and matter-of-factly states, "23mm (15/16ths) flaccid. My dick has been in the yellow calipers."

All Our Conversations Are Like This

B: I hate this boy butter.

Aly: Not body butter?

B: No, boy butter. It's in like a margarine bucket, and there's a picture with this shirtless guy and a churn.

C: Ohhh yeah! I hate that guy, he's in a bunch of them. I think he's in one with a face dildo.

B: I wonder if they tell the models what they're going to be modeling beforehand or if it's just like, "Alright, here's some boy butter and a face dildo!"

C: There's also this one with a girl like trapped in a balloon and pissed about it.

Aly: I think she looks like she's pouting, like she's in the time-out balloon.

Brainstorming

With anywhere from 3 to 6 friends working in an extremely laid-back setting, you can expect a ton of joking and more than a few wacky ideas to pop up from time to time.

Ring Pops + cock rings = Cock Ring Pops!  It's like a Life Saver for your wang!

Whole Lotta Lube

Why would you ever need a half-gallon of lube?

No, you know what? I don't want to know.

TMI

Part of my job is going through the customer messages to take care of the little things. Sometimes it's an address change, or a request for a specific color. I end up seeing all the customer messages, even though some of them are left for the more knowledgeable A or C (the bosses) to deal with. And some people over-share...

The Naughty List

I packed my first butt plug today.

That deserves it's own paragraph. It was solid steel with a jewel in the... end that sticks out? Is there a term for this I'll eventually pick up?

Packing orders to ship with their labels feels an awful lot like being a dirty Santa. "Here's your anal lube, Steven. Use it wisely!" I think to myself as I seal another package. "I hope you enjoy these nipple clamps, Janet!"

Except everyone getting our toys is most definitely on the naughty list.

Shipping Dongs

It's my first Monday. I've been told they are the craziest, since we've got all the orders since Friday night to pull, pack, and ship. The warehouse is still in the larval stages of being completed, but we're going to do what we can. Today, I'm learning to pack.

Our warehouse manager (M) gives me a quick rundown of the different bags and boxes, the different shipping labels, and other tips he can think of. The rest will just have to be learned as we go. He then disappears for a few minutes and comes back with a supply of vibrators and dongs to be packaged. Have you ever shoved an 8.5" floppy wang into a USPS priority flat rate envelope? I have.

The whole day is a blur of dildos in various sizes and colors, some with hilarious Engrish on the packaging ("stimulation terminator!"). I start seeing some of the other items we carry: pocket pussies and hand-held masturbators, bondage cuffs, cock rings. Some of the things that land on the shipping table, I can't even imagine what they're used for. I have a feeling I'll know sooner, rather than later.

The New Warehouse

Day 1 on the job, first day at the new warehouse. Everything is still in boxes labeled innocuously, like ir6001 or co126. Only one box isn't closed on top, and it's brimming with huge green vibrators with a bright yellow pineapple stuck on the base. Oh, lord.

Last weekend I moved back to the town where I grew up, from the town where I went to college. This weekend I started work for my roommate's sister and her husband. Selling dongs on the internet.  



Welcome to The Dong Diaries.

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Friday and Saturday has been spent by other muscle moving boxes of product, disassembled shelves, and other such things into the new warehouse. It's massive and a bit twisty, leading from room to room. This is my first time meeting my new bosses and the other various helpers on this moving project, but I jump right in to help.

It's a sweaty, un-airconditioned day building shelves and getting eaten alive by mosquitoes. Near the end of the day, we manage to have nearly all the shelves together and start stocking. Kind of. It's an internet business, you see, so nothing ships out on the weekend but that doesn't mean orders aren't coming in. Tomorrow is Monday, and we've got to be ready to pack and ship. People need their sex toys!

The last few hours of an extremely long day are spent building penis pump kits using individual bulk pieces (tubing, cylinders, etc). I begin to wonder, for who knows what time today, what I have gotten myself into.