Russian Dick Census

Dear [business name],

Hi, i like your shop with excellent items. I want to be a distributor your items in my country Russia. Nowadays many people in my country have small size of penis and many of them wants bigger penis. I think that your product can be popular in my country!

- [customer]

Average Milking Time

Dear [business name],

I have Nigerian dwarf goats and I'm a little concerned by sizing. Do you find these effective with most goats? What percentage of guys would you say these don't work with? What would you say this turns the average milking time to?

- [customer]

Luxury Vibe

Yva is an elegant pleasure object d'art, handcrafted in 24K gold-plate, with a deep and resonant vibe. The metal, luxurious and evocative against the naked skin, offers exciting prospects for users inclined to the sensual utilization of hot or cold. A perfect accessory for that dressy but boring party, YVA is small, rechargeable and exceedingly quiet. Comes included with wooden gift box, universal charger, manual, satin pouch and a 1-year warranty.

 This thing retails for $1,520.25!

That Awkward Moment When

... your boss emails you with the subject line: "... what is a 50 shades party?" and nothing else.

Expect the Unexpected

Never try to research a customer question regarding "cum stopper through hole" unless you are prepared for the consequences. What is seen cannot be unseen.

We Don't Sell This

But someone else does. You put your penis in the clear one. You fuck the foot from the ankle. The black one goes in you. If you know what I mean.

Just Terrifying

Just when you think you've become desensitized to everything you might see that day, someone purchases a dropship item. That means we don't keep the item in stock because they are large, expensive, unwieldy, or all three. So when someone purchases it, we dropship it to them directly through our wholesaler.

What could be too large, expensive, and unwieldy for a sex toy warehouse, you ask! Lots of things! Like The Huge Equine Vaginal Speculum

That is a BASEBALL for a sense of proportion and size. It is 17 inches long, spreads to 4 inches, and is 2.6 pounds. It was designed for use on large animals for diagnostic examinations and or other procedures.

WHO IS BUYING THIS? No, never mind. I REALLY don't want to know.